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I Haven't Thought of You Lately at All

Title: I Haven't Thought of You Lately at All
Words: ~1k
Rating: PG
Characters: Kara, Lee
Summary: Kara seeks some physical therapy to deal with sleepless nights after New Caprica.
Author's Note: Written for workerbee73  who prompted me with eating watermelon, intensive conditioner, and no smut. Um... it's way too angsty for a birthday fic, but that's what you get for telling me no smut. And holy moly, it's been like... a month and a half since I posted a fic. That's like a record.

Sleep was elusive. It always was these days. Nighttime was the worst; lying in her rack she was alone with nothing to stem the memories—so frakking vivid in her head that, at times, Kara forgot she was back aboard Galactica. This night, like every other night, was too godsdamned quiet, and her skin itched and crawled, and she just couldn’t lie there anymore. Sam made a grunt of protest, but didn’t wake, as Kara slipped out from underneath the covers.

She slid on her boots and didn’t look back.

The gym was empty when she got there, just the way she liked it. Without bothering to warm up or wrap her hands, she delivered a barrage of blows to the punching bag. Kara felt her heart begin to race. Her hands felt bruised and the skin on her knuckles scratched raw. It didn’t matter. It hurt like hell, but it didn’t matter. She let the pain fill her, let her mind focus on that alone. It was better that way.

She was so absorbed in landing blow after blow against a target that could not fight back, that she didn’t hear anyone approaching. She nearly jumped ten feet when she heard an icy voice break her silence. “I didn’t think there’d be anyone here.”

She steadied herself, struck three more times before glancing up. She didn’t need to to know who it was and she regretted it the moment she did. “Didn’t think you knew where this place was anymore.”

Lee lingered in the hatchway, arms folded across himself. “I do remember the layout of this battlestar,” he said.

One, two, three more blows; it was the only thing she could do right now. “Wasn’t testing your memory, Major.” The sound he made was utterly disgusted and he moved from the door and she didn’t think she could stand to see his back. Not that she had any right to complain. “Frak, No. Don’t bother, I’m done here.” Her knuckles were red and raw and starting to bleed and it was good enough for one night, she hoped.

Lee motioned something with his head. It wasn’t a nod, or any other distinct gesture, but he entered the gym, staying along the far wall and never once looking at her. Kara sat down on a bench, grabbing a water bottle and catching her breath and never once looked at him. Not when he could see her, anyways. He barely looked like Lee anymore, certainly not Apollo.

The moment before she stood, the silence broke again. “I heard you reupped,” he said in a voice she couldn’t decipher from the space between them.

Rank was so much easier to keep track of. It drew clear lines, or at least it was supposed to. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to anymore. “I did.”

When Lee spoke again, she could hear every blade in his voice. “What happened? Get bored of playing house with Anders?”

Her fingers itched to hit something again because the house in her head was not the tent she’d lived in once. “You’ve got no frakking idea what you’re talking about.”

“I read the reports.”

Prisoner of war. Good enough for a piece of paper. Didn’t cover a damned thing.

There were words on her tongue that she couldn’t say. Not to anyone and not to him. “So did I.”

And then he looked at her and he looked like a stranger. “What the frak does that even mean?”

“It means that I know that if it was up to you, you would’ve left us to die at the hands of the cylons.” The traitorous words, you left me there, raced around in her head. He would’ve let her stay in that dollhouse, not like he gave a frak, not like he had a reason to. Some small rational thought told her that he hadn’t known, but it was quickly stamped out by the rest of the noise. They’d been okay once, but that was too long ago.

His jacket shed now, Kara could see the person Lee Adama had become. Parts of him that had once been sharp and firm had faded away, grown sagging and tired and soft. Pathetic, she told herself. But there was something, a spark of anger, a clenched jaw that looked like the CAG he used to be and he was crossing the room towards her. “Don’t act like you know what it was like up here, trying to put together a rescue op with less than a quarter of your pilots that wasn’t complete and total suicide? We didn’t even know if there was anything to come back and fight for! It’s not like we were sitting up here drinking tea and eating watermelon!”

“Could’ve fooled me,” she bit out, jabbing a finger into his stomach. She looked him up and down. Clean shaven, washed and rested, even his hair smelled like he’d been using a good conditioner. “Yeah, you look like you had it real hard.”

She shoved him back and turned away and to her back he said, “You know what, Kara? You made your frakking choice. Now deal with it.”

An image flashed in her head. A different choice. A different guy. Not being down on that frakking planet in the first place. She turned around, a guttural sound tearing from her throat as she swung. The blow went wide, but the momentum carried her forward, crashing into him.

“So,” he said, low and victorious. “You do feel something.”

A hundred responses came to her tongue. Instead, she said, “I’m out of here.”

Kara grabbed her water bottle and left, leaving Lee’s last cutting words in her wake. “Welcome back to the fleet, Captain.”

Comments

( 22 comments — Leave a comment )
scifishipper
Sep. 7th, 2010 03:17 am (UTC)
I love that you went the no-fluff route. Very powerful and fills a much needed gap in canon with some real and raw emotion. Excellent stuff!
rayruz
Sep. 8th, 2010 12:46 pm (UTC)
I don't think I've ever read a Kara and Lee fic set between Exodus and UB. Why? I do not know. Glad you enjoyed.
kag523
Sep. 7th, 2010 03:23 am (UTC)
Oh god I love angst. *grins* This is lovely, and makes me very, very happy...


Why?

Well, let's start with the fact that NO ONE writes about this period. Apollo is fat and unpleasant and things are messy. You've dealt with this all in an smooth, realistic and sympathetic way. *thumbs up*

Great terse storywriting. (Actually I love that about ALL your fic, but I'll say it again anyhow.) This feels "hard" and "unpleasant". Even the note about the smell of Lee's hair gives a sense of loss for Kara... all the things she doesn't have but he does. Fantastic!

And that gut-wrenching twist at the end: An image flashed in her head. A different choice. A different guy. Not being down on that frakking planet in the first place. She turned around, a guttural sound tearing from her throat as she swung. Which suggests EVERYTHING that New Caprica could have been, but never was. Absolutely heartfelt and angsty.

Great job!
rayruz
Sep. 8th, 2010 12:48 pm (UTC)
I haven't written Pilot Angst in a while, so it was a lot of fun to do so again. I'm really glad the unpleasantness came through.

I mean, aside from the fact that Kara knows she married the wrong man, I wonder if she thought about it that connection that if she'd stayed with Lee she might not have been there on NC in the first place.
kag523
Sep. 8th, 2010 01:48 pm (UTC)
You know, angst - just for the sake of angst - irritates me tremendously, but I LOVE well done, plot-required angst, and you have done a bravura job of it here. Forgot to say that yesterday... and so I'm adding it.

Again, lovely writing.
m_a_r_i_k_s
Sep. 7th, 2010 06:44 am (UTC)
This is angst as it used to be in BSG. Raw, honest and complex. Thank you writing this because few people do these days. And even fewer address post NC traumatic period. There's should've been a scene between them before UB, and not one - that's what you give us here, and it feels very realistic and true to who they are at this particular time. Thank you!

“It means that I know that if it was up to you, you would’ve left us to die at the hands of the cylons.” The traitorous words, you left me there, raced around in her head. He would’ve let her stay in that dollhouse, not like he gave a frak, not like he had a reason to. Some small rational thought told her that he hadn’t known, but it was quickly stamped out by the rest of the noise. They’d been okay once, but that was too long ago.

This is probably my favorite fragment. She's so angry he left her there (I don't remember reading many stories that would deal with that fact - something that was never said out loud, but I think is obvious if you know Kara), she's angry with herself for she has no right to be angry and yet she is, because he may be not her man (surely we know who's that one... in name only), but he's always been that person when worse came to worst - and now she destroyed even that... everything, except her own uncontrolled desire to see him taking that place, acting like he is.
rayruz
Sep. 8th, 2010 12:49 pm (UTC)
*sigh* It's really sad, I think. They always have each other's backs... except when it's most important. Kara's imprisonment on New Caprica... and I'm gonna say the farm on Caprica as well... the times she'd probably most want Lee to be there for her... he isn't. Which is really sad now that I'm thinking about Res Ship 2. Man, Kara just doesn't have anyone when she needs them. Poor gal.

Sorry, that was a ramble. Glad you liked.
helikedmyshoes
Sep. 7th, 2010 06:31 pm (UTC)
“You know what, Kara? You made your frakking choice. Now deal with it.”

YES. Yesyesyesyesyes. I love that he throws this in her face, because she deserves it. I love the whole piece, the darkness, the anger, Fat!Lee. It's so THEM at this time period, just hating each other's guts and Kara hating herself. Great work.
rayruz
Sep. 8th, 2010 12:51 pm (UTC)
I can't help but imagine that is a HUGE issue with Kara. She did make her choice. The consequence of being on NC when the cylons arrived is... well... unfortunate to follow from that. Although, we don't know if that would have changed if she'd made the other choice.

Glad you liked.
cattm
Sep. 7th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
Just the right amount of angst! :-)
rayruz
Sep. 8th, 2010 12:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
stripes13
Sep. 7th, 2010 07:41 pm (UTC)
Love this. You found the perfect way to combine everything. And the angst is just right.
rayruz
Sep. 8th, 2010 12:52 pm (UTC)
No angstpuppy rating? :P
stripes13
Sep. 8th, 2010 02:31 pm (UTC)
I think one could be arranged ;)
rayruz
Sep. 10th, 2010 02:26 am (UTC)
Wheee! Angst!
rdave1
Sep. 8th, 2010 02:01 pm (UTC)
I love the smut but pilots do angst so well. This is just perfect blend of everything. Well done!
rayruz
Sep. 10th, 2010 02:26 am (UTC)
Glad you liked!
callmeonetrack
Sep. 10th, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
Ooh ouch. It's very realistic and spot-on for the characters' voices and where they were are this time period...but I have to admit it makes me glad now that the show didn't show us them being awful to each other then. (Although at the time my tolerance for angsty bullshit between them was pretty sky-high, but now...not so much.) Well-written though, bb, as always! Good job!
rayruz
Sep. 10th, 2010 02:39 am (UTC)
YAY A TARA COMMENT. *ignores the fact that I bothered you into it*

I feel like I must be having problems because I STILL WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OKAY for them. *Sigh* But I do enjoy good angst from time to time. :) Glad you enjoyed.
callmeonetrack
Sep. 10th, 2010 02:45 am (UTC)
Hey! I was away! I tried to flip through the flist but it was huge!

I still want everything to be okay too! MUCH much more than when I was watching. That ending retroactively makes me want only love and snuggles and good things for them. I am 1000x the shipper now than I ever was. *shrugs* No apologies, though.

Edited at 2010-09-10 02:46 am (UTC)
bellaaurora
Sep. 14th, 2010 03:01 pm (UTC)
I love it! So much fantastic angst, plus Kara commenting on Lee going soft, which she would totally do.
Deenohh Vo
Feb. 4th, 2014 01:30 am (UTC)
The way I see it Kara being on New Cap when the cylons came a calling was a consequence of her choices. If she had chosen Lee she probably would not have been on the planet. The problem is Kara never wants to face the consequences of her choices. She is bad at paying the freight for her decisions.
( 22 comments — Leave a comment )

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